Und dann ist er wieder da.
Der Winter, die Angst, die Kälte.
Und ich hab Angst das es wieder so wird wie immer.
Und ich fürchte das ich es nicht aufhalten kann.
Und ich merke wie es wieder anfängt.
Doch irgendwas ist anders.
Dieser kleine Teil von mir,
der leise in mir flüstert:
"Du darfst nicht aufgeben. Du kannst es schaffen."
Und manchmal, nur ganz selten da glaub ich es.
Diese kleinen Momente der Hoffnung geben mir Kraft.
Sekunden in denen ich glaube irgendwann wird ein Winter anders sein.
Und der Anfang dafür ist diesen nicht so schlimm werden zu lassen.
Ich darf nicht aufgeben.
Und trotzdem hab ich Angst das ich es nicht schaffe.
Doch ich muss. Muss stark sein.
Stark sein, um wieder glücklich zu werden.


You are amazing, don't you see it?

I know you think it's right, or the best thing to do.
But I don't know why.
You never explained, I never dared to ask.
Was afraid of what the answer might be.
But I believe that's it's not because you don't like me.
Believing that would just hurt to much.
I think it has to do with the way you feel about yourself.
But you need to realize that you are wrong.
You are this amazing person and you don't even seem to know.
Need to start giving yourself some credit.
Maybe see what I see.
But I know how it feels.
I been there and felt it too.
I hated myself, thought everybody would too.
I started to realize all it's doing is hurting me.
And somehow I managed to believe I am somehow great.
I so wish you could say that about you too.
I hoped I could help you, but never really had the chance.
But I will always see this amazing person in you.
I will care about you and try to help you whenever I can.
Whenever you let me that is.
And I will keep on hoping.
Hoping that someday there is a chance for us.


Tell me is it worth waiting for you?

But tell me do you actually don't want it?
Tell me are you being for real?
Is it never going to work out?
Am I just not good enough for you too?
I believed it for a moment after I read your text.
Felt like my world was falling apart.
Thought I can't go through this again.
But then I remembered some of the things you said.
All the things which made everybody think you actually liked me.
It wasn't until that moment for me to realize.
Realize what made the difference between you and the ones that were before.
I believed you. Actually did.
Didn't just tell myself I should.
Deep inside I didn't have any concerns.
Something about you made me believe in you.
And with that made me believe in myself.
So tell me was I wrong to believe?
Or is it something else?
Tell me why you think it's not worth trying.
Tell me if it's about you or me.
And tell me if I can make it work for us.
Or was I wrong to believe in myself?

And in my dreams at day and at night.
I ask you all I need to know.
But when I think about actually talking to you,
I can't think about anything to say.
I want to know, but am to scared to ask.
Tell me is it worth waiting for you?
'Cause if you said yes I would.


Start over, fail again

I was feeling better, but never complete.
Something was missing, keeping me from happiness.
A new start that's what it takes.
A new place, new people, accepting the past, living the present.
I moved. I had to anyway.
Didn't know anybody, but didn't mind.
I started over, just like that.
Everything was alright. Even in a city which frightened me.
The memories I feared, stayed away.
I even started to feel safe.
I opened up to new friends, just a little to much.
I told them what I wanted.
Even tried to get it. Believing nothing bad could happen.
Believing you saying no could be the worst thing to happen.
But I forgot, who I used to be.
I tried to believe in me, but when you said no,
all I could do was not to cry, just for the moment.
And in my head the thoughts started again.
Everything suddenly went back to what it used to be.
Almost. I almost managed to love myself.
Almost managed to believe in myself.
Almost thought somebody else might be able to do that, too.
But in the end i just almost hate myself.
This time it will be harder to hide.
This time people realized I'm hurt.
Hiding is easy. Admitting is hard.
But I guess for the first time I have to actually face what I feel.
And first of all I have to admit: I'm scared.
And just for one moment, I feel worthless yet again.


Silvester :)

Und es ist passiert, was wie ein Wunder scheint.
Ich hatte doch Angst.
Seit Jahren Angst vor diesem Tag.
Mein halbes Leben wird es sein.
Mein halbes Leben ohne ihn. Ohne Papa.
Und doch freu ich mich darauf.
Zum ersten mal seit Jahren.
Kann an Silvester denken und Lächeln zugleich.

Früher dacht ich werd nie wieder glücklich sein,
dann nie wieder im Winter,
dann nur nie Silvester,
doch jetzt schaff ich es mich zu freuen.
Wenn ich mich freuen kann, kann ich auch glücklich sein!